So before I flew over to Australia I could have written an entire bible on train etiquette, however because everything is so chuffing far away from, well everything I have begun flying a lot more frequently and thus Aeroplane Etiquette was made up.
P.s. Sorry it’s another list guys, this is not going to be a recurring theme.
So number one, and this really gets on my nerves. You know when you’re last in the queue to get on the plane because you just had to let that hen group of cackling middle aged women stick together as a group and get on together, all the while cackling away just so you didn’t become ‘that’ person from their trip, you don’t consider/remember the lack of space in those overhead lockers. So by the time you do get to your seat, which is definitely in the middle of the plane, and you have to wait for every other bugger to sit in their seat before you get to yours, lo and behold there is no room for your bag because some inconsiderate tossers have decided to put their tiny camcorder/camera bags up there. There’s room under your seat. There is room on your lap. You could even wait until everyone else has put their bulky carry on bags up there, and I am certain, so certain that you could squeeze your TINY bag in there somewhere, just wait general public, it’s called common courtesy.
Second, do not take tuna sandwiches onto a plane for a mid flight snack.
Thirdly, now I can’t say too much about this without getting politically incorrect, but the inevitable crying child. There isn’t a real solution to this, I can only suggest turning up your Ipod or completely immersing yourself in whatever entertainment you have brought with you.My advice? It’s pretty much inescapable so brace yourself and deal with it.
Next, being the keeper to the toilet, by which I mean sitting in the aisle seat. Sitting in the aisle seat during a long flight is a big responsibility, you are essentially the gateway to happiness. Realising you have the aisle seat if a tremendous feeling of relief that can not be duplicated, however you also have to accept that you will be prodded and poked regularly when you are trying to and/or during sleep and that the minute you open your eyes the chap or chapette sitting next to you will be leaping straight over your groggy frame to get to the plastic throne. A tip for those next to a particularly queasy passenger (as I was during the 14 hour leg of my journey to oz) go and get them some sick bags from the loo and prepare yourself for a long flight,because you will not be sleeping, and when they start dishing out those really cheesy lukewarm pizzas, quietly pocket theirs.
Now, being the keeper to the outside world, by which I mean sitting in the window seat. Congrats! you get to see the beauty that is earth from a great height, just bare in mind there are probably others that want to see it to so move your noggin a tad when staring at skyscrapers. Now I should also probably advise you regarding prodding and poking that person in the aisle seat, if their asleep, try and make an effort to do gymnastics over them to get to the aisle, or just hold it. If it’s an old person, I’d probably risk the front flip you’ll try and attempt over the person in front of you rather than wait out their wee little nap.
For those who get the middle seat, yay! you get both armrests…that’s all I have, it’s a poor spot to be in if you don’t know either keepers. Sorry?
Another point, the reason they tell you to turn off all your electronic equipment during takeoff and landing is for your own sodding safety, it’s not because they are jealous you’re further than them in flappy bird or candy crush, its so that they can take you to your lovely holiday without ending up in the sea. Don’t complain, it’s not big and it’s not clever just do it.
Finally, and I can’t stress this enough, patience really is a virtue. Complaining really loudly about how long you have to wait to get off a plane is not going to make it go any faster, nor are you going to be a better person for it, especially when you are in the middle of a plane and your luggage is at the other end because there was no room where you were (see point one), you’ll get off eventually, just pipe down.