The Deep Deep South

So as you probably know, or don’t know I am an English Graduate, and as an english graduate you can imagine how thrilled, but unsurprised,  I am still doing the minimum wage job I was promised would go away once I forked out twenty-odd grand to better my understanding of the written word. Now before you tell me it’s my own fault and that I still scrape plates because I refused to think ahead and do what my very wise parents advised, which was ‘plan’ you’re very right, I’m under no disillusion, I in fact decided to better my situation and immigrate to Australia, where I earn double and do half the work.

It’s not because I am lazy, it is because Australian law seems to respect human rights within the hospitality industry a lot more than the UK, for example I actually get a half hour break during my 14 hour shift, I can say no to someone trying to order a drink in what I can only assume is Dothraki after they’ve already had nineteen, you picking up what I’m putting down dear reader?

I have been out here for almost 11 months now, and after arriving completely ignorant to the ways of the ‘con’ I have received a very graphic education and it would appear there are ‘heaps’ more differences than us POMs would have been lead to believe.  So I have decided to compile a list of 10-ish things for any budding traveler who wishes to do their working holiday down here and survive.

1. There are no such things as pints here in the southern hemisphere, they call them schooners and yes they are smaller than pints, yes they do have a ridiculous name, and yes they get even smaller (midi’s if you please) Just remember though, it doesn’t make the Aussie men any less manly to drink them, and never imply it does or you’ll learn the hard way, which leads me to point 2.

2. Most if not all Australian men are uncomfortable in any situation, they’re not being rude when they fold their arms and go red, nor are they bored, that’s just their fetal position and they need a cuddle.

3. If someone orders a lemon lime and bitters, they’re hungover and need sugar, trust me this happens a lot. This drink does actually contain a slight amount of alcohol, a sly hair of the dog if you will…an eyelash of a dog. Ask an aussie bartender to show you how to make one upon arrival.

4. When you say you have a degree here, it’s a big deal.  However if you say you went to Uni, it can mean you either went to university, or went to college to study nail art, not necessarily a bad thing but also NOT the same thing.

5 .Kangaroos are vermin and koalas will not be in your back garden… 😦

6. People don’t actually wrestle crocodiles/sharks/dingos/emus

7a. Nor do they wield knives and brag  about them comically. 7b. do not ask them to

8. There’s a big male and female drinking group divide here, picture a school disco when you were 12…yeah

9. Aerogard will protect you from most things that can kill you here ie. everything, GET SOME.

10. As scared as you are of Huntsman spiders, you will kind of want to see one, and chances are you won’t see one. Unless you go wandering into the bush….but don’t wander into the bush.

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